We sat at the patio table having a midsummer dinner off the grill when Marc announced that Mommy would be starting a new job. The girls were two, four, five, and six years old. It was time for us to pursue a dream, and God had lined up everything at the perfect time. The girls never knew me as the middle-school teacher I used to be because I stopped teaching when our fourth daughter was born. They only ever knew me as “Mommy” the one who stayed home, cooked, played, cleaned, went to the park, and never actually worked a job. They were curious to find out what this meant and how our new adventure would change things. We explained that Mommy and Daddy started their own business and were going to own a restaurant (one of the girls’ favorites, by the way). Daddy wasn’t changing jobs, but Mommy was going to start the business and do all the work.
As the discussion went on, the girls listened intently. The first and only question that came from one sweet mind was, “You mean Mommy is gonna be the boss!” It was at that moment I realized that all four of them were watching and listening to everything! They were shocked to hear that Mommy could be in charge of an entire business. It was the first time my daughters had the opportunity to see my clear self-confidence to do something scary and trust God with His plan for my life. In that moment of unfiltered transparency with our girls, Marc and I unintentionally opened a door to allow them to see themselves through a clear lens of empowerment! It meant that if Mommy could do it, then they could too!
Over the next few years, I realized the importance of my own self-confidence while raising girls who would grow to become confident in whom God has created them to be and pursue their own God-given dreams for their lives. The importance of my words toward them and about them became clear as they grew up second-guessing decisions and fighting pressures to filter who they are on social media in order to present a “better” picture. Throughout their preteen years, I became acutely aware of how important all of God’s affirmations are to them. The power that their own thoughts and my words had on their minds was incredibly clear to me, but how could I convey that to my girls?
God helped me see seven guidelines through Scripture and model them for my girls so they could become confident young women, unfiltered and honest in all their thoughts and actions, courageously facing the world with God on their side.
1. Show Love
“I am chosen, holy and dearly loved” (see Col.3:12, NIV).
Showing love can happen in many ways. As my girls grew older, I realized that while one daughter would show love by giving giant, squeezing hugs, that was not exactly what another daughter wanted or needed. Each of my children showed love in a different way. I had to recognize their ways of showing love and reciprocate so they understood that they are deeply loved and cherished. At times I showed them love with a hug, but at other times it was a chat about their day, or a trip to get ice cream. Whatever it was, my girls knew they were loved by me and cherished by God
2. Her Choices Are Not My Failures
“I will not be shaken” (Ps. 16:8, NIV).
All my daughters have made choices that have not been what I’d expected. But in their brief lapses in judgment, I have had to force myself to believe it’s not because of me. Their choices are exactly that: their choices. I may be disappointed in their decisions or embarrassed by how they’ve acted, but I am not responsible for their choices. I can guide them and help them learn from their mistakes. I will be there to pick them up, wipe their tears, and support their apologies.
3. Allow Her to Fail
“God has fully and completely redeemed me” (see Col. 1:14, NIV).
Allowing my daughters to fail or mess up has taught them redemption in a way that nothing I say could. God’s Word says we’ve all fallen short. When they fail, it is a solid opportunity to show them what grace means. We can model forgiveness and teach them how to get back up and fight even harder. The confidence that builds when they first fail and then try again and succeed is worth every tear. They feel so much more successful after they have fought hard to win!
4. Model Confidence
“I am clothed with strength and dignity” (see Prov. 31:25, NIV).
I’ve been extremely careful about speaking of my own insecurities in front of my girls throughout the years. They do need to realize that all of us have things we wish we could change about ourselves, and everyone has insecurities. Pointing out their beauty and the strengths of their character has combatted their feelings of insecurity. Encouraging my girls to compliment each other by always complimenting them on the way they handled a situation or showed kindness to others has forced them to focus on the positive aspects of themselves. When all they hear is how kindly they have treated others, they forget about not liking the way their hair looks or how beautiful their smile is. My words and their sisters’ words have changed their whole way of thinking!
5. Teach Her to Be Assertive and Find Her Voice
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7 NKJV).
My daughters have found their voices and learned how to let their thoughts and ideas be known. Even though two of my girls are more reserved than the other two, all four have learned how to speak their minds and express their thoughts clearly. Ever since they were little, we would play a game called “Rainbow/Cloudy.” Many versions of this game exist, but ours was to give each person in the family a moment to talk about the “rainbow” in their day—something that made them happy, and the “cloudy” in their day—something that was a bummer. This game was a time of connection for our family, but also allowed our girls to express their thoughts and feelings. It gave them a voice and sparked many conversations between us and them, letting them know how God can change the bummer parts of our days into something beautiful.
6. Help Her Find Her Passion
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart” (Ps. 37:4 NKJV).
All my girls have been passionate about different things while growing up. Whether it was fashion, dance, soccer, beauty, being outdoors, or even the color purple, I have found it easier to build their confidence when I can guide them toward their passion and encourage them to participate in that passion each day. A key to making them feel successful has been emphasizing that God placed certain passions in them so they could develop their gifts. When they participate in something they absolutely love, they feel successful, and it brings happiness to their lives. It allows them to see themselves as being used by God in a specific way, just the way God intended for them.
7. Praise Perseverance, Not Perfection
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13 NKJV).
Many times, we praise our kids for being the best at something, or we encourage them because they win. However, it is so much more important to praise their perseverance to accomplish a goal or their grit to keep trying when something is difficult. Praising them while they try hard keeps their focus on the process and the journey rather than the end result. They are able to see the small wins along the way, even if the big win never happens. It gives them the opportunity to trust Christ for the strength to keep persevering and to exalt Him in the end.
I praise God for opening my eyes to see the importance of my thoughts toward my girls and daily reminding me that when I focus on His Word and view my world through a Christ-centered lens, my girls will do the same. There is no better way to build my daughters up than to always speak His words about them.
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